Hey there Lovelies:)
I've been feeling a little more myself. It's nice to start finding a bit of normality in a whirlwind life. I've had a lot of time to myself to think. Just think. Think about all the things That have happened. Every mistake and every painful memory. 9 years worth thoughts and memories. I just let them flow. I analyzed and gave serious thought to each of them. I allowed myself to feel what I've been running away from. I allowed myself to finally let go. I'll be honest, I think I cried almost an entire day. The exhaustion of it was surprising. My muscles ached from it. My face was raw from the flow of constant tears. It purged every negative emotion until my body couldn't do it anymore. I didn't realize everything I was holding in me until I had nothing left to let go. For once I felt nothing. No sadness, or anger, or even resentment. There was finally no pain. To be numb for once was actually welcoming. Although it wasn't a permanent feeling, it was a nice vacation from them. Of course everything comes back. Every negative thought, feeling, emotion, and memory. They're apart of you. The help you grow, and understand yourself as a person. Only this time when they did, I wasn't overwhelmed by it anymore. I accepted it because it was part of my past. Part of who I was. What kept me going all these years.
I didn't actually smile until tonight though. I was laying outside on a blanket just staring at the sky, (I've been doing that a lot the past couple days.) and thinking about the past couple weeks. I started humming this song and I couldn't for the life of me figure out where I got it from. Well it was more like a lullaby. Anyway, humming turned into singing. Until I realized I was actually singing to the moon. Lol Don't judge. anyway, this is how it goes if you were wondering:
I see the moon and the moon sees me
and the moon sees somebody I wanna see
God bless the moon and God bless me
and God bless the somebody I wanna see
God looked down from up above
and he picked you out for me to love
He picked you out from all the rest
cause he knew I'd love you the very best
I see the moon and the moon sees me
and the moon sees somebody I wanna see
God bless the moon and God bless me
and God bless the somebody I wanna see
It's just while I was singing this lullaby, I felt love in my heart again. Because when I was singing I pictured one face the entire time. It almost felt as if the words leaving my lips were bouncing off the moon and to his ears. I realize how idiotic that sounds, but for the first time this week, I felt comfort. I realized that what was there in my heart, would always be there. It was real and lasting. Even if I couldn't share it. It would remain there always, reminding me of how lucky I was to have experienced something people would kill to have. Even if it was only for a short while. To feel ok with that was nice.
Anyway, I just wanted to give an update:) I'm far from where I need to be, but I am on the way to getting there. I realize things like this don't just happen over night, But I have the time and patience for it. Well anyway I'm off guys.
Until Later,
-JNR
