It's not getting better

I think everyone gets to the point when they starts to question their threshold for pain. I’m not speaking of physical kind as I’m speaking of the emotional kind. The kind that deteriorates your spirit little by little until you feel like an empty shell of yourself. Well lately I’ve been questioning myself. I’ve begun to wonder if I am the strong person I always thought myself to be. As of late, I’ve felt like giving up. Just running away and forgetting  the perpetual pain and loss in my life. Before now, I could always make it through with a smile. I always thought that if I kept moving and pushing forward I would be alright. Yes it still hurt but I never let it affect me. Now? Now is a different story. I wont get to much in depth about it, because I still feel somethings should remain personal but everything I’m dealing with is quite severe. It irks me so much to see when younger generations act as if their world is about to end because a Boyfriend left them or their friend back stabbed them. LOL I’d kill to have those problems right now. I guess the older you get, you begin to realize how trivial all that really is. It takes real loss to understand real pain. I’ve lost so much. I’m about to lose someone incredibly important to me now. Just watching them fade until they’re no more is a slow kind of torture. I cannot even put into words the kind of pain that fills me everyday. It’s become so overwhelming, and I just want to run from it. I don’t feel strong anymore. I’m ashamed of the person that I’m becoming, but it’s almost unavoidable. I can’t control the range of emotions that flood through me like I used to. I think I made it worse on myself when I finally allowed myself to depend on someone for once. To just let my guard down and purge all that I was feeling onto them. In someway I feel I let go some of my strength once I allowed it. Now that one person I trusted is gone from my life. My one confidant gone. Try as I might I can’t seem to get that strength back. Yes, I am ashamed-___- . I apologize for this massive, completely unorganized rant. Sometimes it gets to be too much to hold everything in. until later

-JNR