My Emo Rant

today I woke up and finally realized that things will never be the same. It hurts... a lot. I hate so much about this whole situation. And excuse me when I sound like a whiny teenager when I say that life is so not fair! It never has been. You could be the nicest, sweetest, most sincere person there is. You could give your everything, never lie, always be supportive, do the little things that matter, be assuring, always honest, and the BEST.. etc. But one single technicality will automatically make all of that pointless. You are all of a sudden no longer enough. And that's that. It's enough to crush a better person let alone me. I hate how incredibly emo I sound at the moment. I really do, but how else would I feel? I've only ever felt feelings this intense once before... But going through it a second time just feels 10x worse. I won't go into it because there are somethings that must remain personal, but I never thought I'd feel this way again.  siggghhh
 

I wish I could let go. Forget. Even hate him... But I just can't. In someways I do understand. But a huge part of me refuses to accept it. The notion that I have to be cast aside because of something I have no control of is horrible. It hurts to the core. And then I find myself asking questions like: "Why couldn't there have been an exception made?" or  "Had we tried would it have been so extreme?" and finally "Would the lengths I started going to just to be accepted have made a difference?" I ask myself a lot of questions like this everyday. Believe me, It doesn't help. I just can't help it. Because fact of the matter is, I love this man. I have never loved another person the way I love him. And being forced to accept the fact that he will NEVER be mine again tears at me. Especially because I know he loves/loved me too. But I think the cherry on top of this clusterfuck of a sundae is the the knowledge that he will get over me one day. He'll move on and fall in love. And one day he'll give everything of himself to another, everything that I had wanted. Then here I'll be.... stuck. Still in love with a man who will never be mine. And yes That's exactly where I'll be. Don't be mistaken, I will embrace life and keep going. I refuse to be one of those little old cat ladies stuck in there home because they gave up on life. No I REFUSE to give up on life. I simply give up on love. I fell in love. And it was wonderful. But I will not go through it again.

Never